HOW NOT TO FUCK THEM UP by Oliver James

I’ve always found the subject of child development fascinating. The immense responsibility of shaping another human being’s life terrifies and thrills me at the same time.

James has put together a psychological guide to parenting that basically focuses on identifying the type of parent you are, based ultimately on the type of person you are and what your needs may be.

He argues that “mothers of small children tend to fall into three groups, in terms of their approach to mothering and the basic feeling they have about under-threes: Organisers, Huggers, and Fleximums ("Flexis").”

While Huggers place the need of the baby above everything else and they are happy to put their life on hold for at least 3 years, the Organisers believe the baby should fit around the parents and follow well established rules. The “Flexi” type is a combination of both, making arrangements that best suit their circumstances; “they have the ability to set up an Organiser-style routine, then switch into Hugger mode if needed.”

On the flip side, the challenges that come with each of these are:

• Organisers - potentially finding small children boring or unfulfilling and thinking they might need constant stimulation, education and social interactions.

• Huggers - could encounter problems with letting go of their baby and allowing it to become an independent toddler.

• Flexi - being too flexible could confuse the child and not provide the universal need for stability.

Naturally, based on your inner instincts and the example you’ve had growing up, you can analyse it, understand it and either adopt it further or change the parenting behavioural type.

The particularly important message is that, when dealing specifically with under 3 year olds, they need constant, sensitive, one-to-one care, and Huggers certainly provide that. That’s not to say that you can’t tend to these needs in a variety of other ways based on the type of person you are.

The bottom line is that there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to parenting but what’s strongly encouraged is to adopt those particular approaches that make you content with yourself and the impact they have on your child.