NO BAD KIDS by Janet Lansbury

I’m reading everything I can on the subject as I’m trying to be as equipped as possible for the toddler and tantrum phase. The thing is, it’s even harder when you want to do things differently with your child because caregivers are also massively influenced by their own childhoods. I basically have to override most of my “default settings” and some of Lansbury’s advice may be difficult to follow when tired or not fully present in the moment.

The book covers topics such as why toddlers push limits, the key to cooperation, how to skilfully offer choices, reasons to ditch distractions, the arrival of a new baby, setting limits without yelling and common discipline mistakes.

For me, the big take-aways from this book are as follows:

• A tantrum is a cry for attention, more sleep, or a call for firmer and more consistent limits. As toddlers become more resistant, whiny, distracted, clingy, and have tantrums it’s a sign they want you to make a choice for them.

  It may see contradictory that the more freedom we give them the more they act out, but that’s how toddlers work according to Lansbury. The reality of being in charge makes them feel unsafe so they act out.

• When setting limits, the emotional state of the caregiver almost always dictates the child’s reaction. If we lack confidence and clarity or lose our temper, this will unsettle the child and lead to more undesirable behaviour. Our job is to remain a calm, ferm and solid leader, without taking the child’s feelings personally.

• While it’s easier to indulge a child then discipline (and children know that) understanding that this is actually causing them unnecessary distress helps massively. Of course, offering choices that we find appropriate in certain scenarios is great, but at the end of the day they need to know that their parents can safely and securely lead them while young.

• The huge difference stays in the way we go about setting these limits. Unfortunately, some of us identify setting boundaries with withdrawing affection, yelling or worse. From here it’s easy to see how quickly some of us can fall intro the opposite category of failing to set limits without being harsh towards the child and not finding that middle ground.

“Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”

Honestly, the biggest personal achievement for me, would be to have kids that would want to raise their own, in the same way they were brought up.