HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS by Gordon Neufeld & Gabor Mate

“It doesn’t matter what you do as a parent – it matters who you are to your child.“

It all goes back to the attachment theory. Firstly, our kids attach to us physically to be able to develop a sense of belonging, love and ultimately, a desire to be seen and known.

Children need to have in their lives at least one mature, caring adult who will offer unconditional guidance, love and support. In a healthy parent-child attachment scenario, the child will gravitate around the adult for moral guidance and safety, which in turn, will result in a well-rounded individual later on.

However, if the parent attachment is lacking, the child will start looking to replace it, becoming more likely to attach to another child and this is where the peer-oriented problematic phase begins.

The issue is that another child could not possibly offer the same unconditional love, support and emotional maturity as parents do. That is not to say that kids should not form friendships. Instead, the authors argue that once a child is securely attached to a caring adult/parent, they can have friendships without looking to those relationships to define who they are.

“To foster independence, we must first welcome dependence. Connection before direction is essential.”