THE CONSCIOUS PARENT by Dr Shefali Tsabary
This is not your regular “how to guide” on parenting, it’s the most profound book I’ve read on the subject so far. It is a book that centres around the idea of using our parenting relationship for personal and spiritual growth, while raising wholesome human beings.
Here are a couple of key insights that Dr Shefali elaborates on in this read:
We are raising a unique human being with its own spirit and signature, different than yours. “Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
There is a spiritual purpose in the parenting journey. It’s an opportunity to look back at our childhood and release the trigger points that hold us back. “Our children provide us with opportunities to recognize our unconsciousness as it manifests in the here and now, we have a chance to break free of the clutches of our past so that we are no longer ruled by our early conditioning.”
Conscious parenting is learned and practiced through the actual experience of relating to our children. What we need to do is to become observers of our own behaviour when we are interacting with children. As Dr Shefali says, we must consciously become “vigilant witnesses of our own unconsciousness”. We have to pay attention to our habits, thoughts, emotions and presence.
Ego and parenting. When we live in an egoic state, we don’t see our children (or other people in general) for who they are in their essence. “Parenting is a journey that tends to begin with a high level of egoic narcissism, an energy we take into our relationship with our child. The consequence is that we can easily fall into the trap of using our children to fill some need in ourselves, all the while under the illusion that we are living, giving of ourselves, and nurturing. “
Acceptance is key. We accept our child to the degree we accept ourselves. Once we accept our children’s basic nature, we can contour our style to meet their temperament. “When we are unable to accept our children, it’s because they open up old wounds in us, threatening some ego-attachment we are still holding onto. Unless we address why we can’t embrace our children for precisely who they are, we will forever either seek to mold, control, and dominate them – or we will allow ourselves to be dominated by them.”
See and meet life from a neutral state. “The more we hone this ability to meet life in a neutral state, without attributing “goodness” or “badness” to what we are encountering, but simply accepting it as it is, without the need to interpret every dynamic as if it were about us. Our children can then have their tantrums without triggering us, and we can correct their behaviour without dumping on them our own residual resentment, guilt, fear, or distrust.
Setting the bar high and leading by example. “When you resist setting the bar in a manner that’s oriented to who you want your children to become, and instead set the bar in ways that embody who they already are, you teach them to trust their innate sense of value and competence. From this foundation, they will devise their own standards of excellence – standards that mirror their internal state of excellence.”
Parent with child involves a circular dynamic. “Punishment may stop a behaviour, or it may not, but it definitely won’t tech a child to replace inappropriate behaviour with more productive behaviour. Instead of simply punishing your children’s behaviour, you can use the very situations that are problematic to teach the art of self-reflection, which will open up the path to positive ways of handling situations through problem-solving.”
Conflicts will inevitably appear and I personally see them as opportunities to learn or teach something valuable but it should always be done in a way that is considerate and mindful towards the other person, wether it’s a child or an adult.
When interacting with your child, always keep in mind these questions: “Am I dealing with my child in an aware manner or am I being triggered by my past?” and “What am I bringing to this relationship in this moment that is mine to own and not my child’s to receive?”
“Despite our best intentions, we enslave them to the emotional inheritance we received from our parents, binding them to the debilitating legacy from ancestors past. The nature of unconsciousness is such that, until it’s metabolized, it will seep through generation after generation. Only through awareness can the cycle of pain that swirls in families end.”
It seems that our most important challenge is not to raise our children well but to raise ourselves into the most awakened and present individual we can be.