THE BOOK YOU WISH YOUR PARENTS HAD READ by Philippa Perry
This is a book about how to connect with humans, starting with the most important relationship in our lives which is the one we have with our earliest caregivers because we form in relationship to them.
The author offers a great overview on the concepts that lead to a good and strong parent-child relationship.
Our parenting legacy - We should start by looking at our patterns, looking at why we do what we do and examine our critical voice. Trace back our charged emotions to understand how our past is affecting our present.
Perry mentions that whatever age the child is at, they are liable to remind us on a bodily level of the emotions we went through at that age and if we don’t want to be reminded, the child will be like a trigger to the parent.
Child environment - It’s not the family structure that matters, it’s how we all get on in the family. The quality of the parenting or co-parenting relationship and having non-violent communication is what will set examples for our children on conflict resolution and vulnerability.
Children don’t need their parents to be always right, they need them to be authentic in order to foster that connection and not interfere with their instincts.
Validating Feelings - Looking at things from their perspective in order to make them feel understood and responding to our kids with empathy, results in good mental health and good immunity.
Behaviour is the only way children know how to communicate their feelings so it’s useful to understand what is the feeling behind the behaviour. Validate it and put it into words for them. Show that is the behaviour which is not acceptable, not the feeling.
Parents, or at least one of them, should be able to contain their child’s emotions, even more so in situations when they might not get what they want. It’s about soothing their feelings while learning the unpleasant lesson that life doesn’t always go their way.
Mental health - The aim is to have a strong bond between child and parent, which would later translate into secure attachment.
Let go of the need to control, surrender to what is instead of what you wished it was.
Observe more, judge less.
Tech them how to solve their own problems, don’t rescue them but brainstorm solutions instead.
Encourage time for free play, it helps with creativity.
Model good behaviour through flexibility, tolerance, problem solving and empathy.
Take the time to repair mistakes with our children, no matter how old.
“How we feel about ourselves and how much responsibility we take for how we react to our children are key aspects of parenting that are too often overlooked because it’s much easier to focus instead on our children and their behaviours rather than examining how they affect us and then how we in turn affect them. And it is not only how we respond to children that shapes their personality traits and character but also what they witness and feel in their environment.”
“We want our children to act with consideration and empathy toward others rather than being motivated only by the narrower ideas of punishment and material reward.”