WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL by John Gottman

Like everyone else, I have around me both examples of great marriages and not so great ones. I always wondered what the “secrets” are for having a thriving marriage and to be honest, reading this book, it is pretty obvious and straightforward. However, I think the tricky part is maintaining these habits long after the honeymoon period is over.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a key to maintaining a healthy marriage is to maintain a ratio of 5:1, that’s 5 positive emotions to every 1 negative.

Based on his many years of research with real-life couples, he discovered “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’, the warning signs towards marital disaster:

• criticism

• defensiveness

• contempt

• stonewalling (emotional withdrawal)

“Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive.”

Ultimately, a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve conflicts without falling for the above 4 pitfalls. Therefore, the ability to repair the conflict in a constructive way requires an overall positive sentiment for your partner which overrides momentary times when you are feeling a little distant.

In good relationships, there is a culture of appreciation, a habit of scanning the environment for things you can praise and appreciate, and that definitely goes a long way.

A huge part of what determines which couples stay together comes down to being intentional in the relationship, having open, honest and respectful communication and keeping some of the mystery alive.

“My guess is that if you do nothing to make things get better in your marriage but do not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time. To maintain a balanced emotional ecology you need to make an effort—think about your spouse during the day, think about how to make a good thing even better, and act.”